Tips For a Happy Marriage

Many people ask my husband and I, "How do ya do it? How do you stay so happy?" Well, of course, no one who's actually MET us has asked us that, but stay with me. As I sit waiting for my dear valentine to get off the damned phone so we can go out to eat, I thought I'd type up my secrets to a happy marriage. I hope these will help you find the kind of peace and harmony we enjoy:

Tip #1: I find it helpful if one of you travels a lot. If his work doesn't take him out of town occasionally, then get yourself a job as a stewardess, circus clown or war correspondent. Whatever it takes.

Tip #2: When your husband gets mad about something and is yelling at you, take off your shirt. He will be momentarily disoriented and will forget what he was mad about.

Tip #3: Fetch frozen French fries from the freezer frequently. If dinner is a little "iffy" because you passed out on the couch during a "Real World" marathon, serve whatever you've got with French fries. He'll love it.

Tip #4: Give him the perfect gift every time. Here's a simple technique which will assure that he receives exactly what he wants: Listen for clues about his likes and dislikes, notice when he admires something, make notes and finally, toss him the car keys and tell him to buy his gift himself.

Tip #5: Look like Pamela Anderson. My husband says that when I wear tight jeans, fluff up my hair and stand in a poorly-lit room while he squints real hard at me after drinking a lot of booze, that I kind of look like an older, flatter, brunette version of that Baywatch babe.

I can't speak for my husband about how he manages to get along so beautifully with me. He'd have to write about that himself. But because he's so manly, sexy and intelligent, he doesn't have time for such ruminations. Which brings us to:

Tip #6: Shower him with compliments, especially if you write a blog all of his friends will read.

Tip #7: Shower. Always good advice.

Tip #8: The cornerstone of every solid marriage is honesty. Tell the truth. Except of course about your weight or about passing out on the couch during a "Real World" marathon. Hey, it's not like I'm married to honesty!

Tip #9: Get used to watching TV in the other room, on the smaller TV. Face it, you'll have to pry that remote from his cold, dead hands. If you refuse to leave the room, then learn to like televised miniature golf and The Weather Channel.

Tip #10: Don't complain to him about anything he does. Save that for conversations with friends, family, neighbors and grocery store checkout girls.

Time for me to conclude Marriage 101 and wrap whatever it is he got himself for Valentine's Day. Nothing's too good for my man. After all, he is the sweetest, strongest and most handsome man who ever lived. (Refer to Tip #6).