Monday, April 14, 2008

Taylor Hicks Revealed

Investigative Reporting: The "Fan-Addict"

Since Taylor Hicks fans are so unlike other fans I've encountered, I felt it necessary to coin a new word to describe them. Many have taken on his career as their own personal crusade and check online daily for any news about him. The word I came up with is "Fan-Addict".

But why the obsession? What is it about Taylor Hicks that has created an almost cult-like following?

I decided to organize an investigation into the phenomenon. I was able to assemble a crack team of scientists at my local university to conduct research.

These highly competent professors studied hours of video, using sophisticated equipment to record the viewer's reaction to a Taylor Hicks performance.

The results revealed an unusually strong reaction from women (and a few sexually confused men). Our research then turned to Taylor himself. Voice recordings were analyzed and photos scrutinized.

Unfortunately, during the course of testing, we lost two of our female scientists who succumbed to Hicks' charms.

One of them, who had a very promising career ahead in neuroscience, simply walked away and was last seen outside a theater in Orange Beach posing as a morning news woman in hopes of gaining access to Hicks for a phony interview. Apparently, she heard this tactic had been effective for someone else.

Back in the lab, the focus of our investigation quickly turned to Hicks' eyes. Something was different about them:

When the results of our research were compiled, it was shocking: "The team reported the first known case of electroluminescence from an all-organic, nanocrystal based source where semiconductor nanocrystals are concentrated and -when combined with certain levels of estrogen within the recipient's body-causes an almost spiritual loyalty."

Or in layman terms: Hicks harnesses excess amounts of energy in his eyes and then shots it out in hypnotic waves. If anyone looks directly into his eyes-even on TV- they become helpless disciples. The process takes such a toll on Hicks' metabolism that over time it turned his hair prematurely gray.

A close-up of the eyeball:

Interestingly, these waves seem to have little effect on men:

We were able to re-create the sequence of events captured at various concerts:

Taylor takes a moment to "power-up" his eyes:

Finally, their energy is unleashed on unsuspecting fans:

The result:

One video recording actually caught Hicks yelling, "They're in my clutches!!", followed by a maniacal laugh:

If you're planning to see his show anytime soon, I'd like to offer some advice:

1. Never look directly at Taylor Hicks with the naked eye. For your safety, it is advised that you construct the following device:

A. Poke a small hole in the center of one end of a cardboard box.
B. Cut a viewing hole in the side of the box.
E. Put a piece of white paper inside the end of the box near the viewing hole.
F. Point the end of the box with the pinhole at Taylor Hicks.
G. View his projected image on the white piece of paper.

2. For the love of all that is holy, NEVER ever look him in the eye, even if you're watching him on TV. Studies have confirmed that once under his spell, his victims have been known to buy multiple CDs and concert tickets. When asked by loved ones why they exhibit such behavior, they simply reply, "I don't know why! I just HAVE to! Here, have a CD! Wooo!!!"

3. At the very least, wear protective eye wear while attending one of his shows.

Though Taylor's most recent tour has come to an end, perhaps we'll be more prepared in the future when he hits the road again. Please, enjoy responsibly:


Kenzie said...

As a "Fan-Addict" myself it is not easy being able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. I can not go out into the world and see things how they are supposed to be. Any mention of even the letter 'T' I jump.

As a warning to other, 'normal' people do not think you are strong enough to resist his Man-Powers. It is impossible. Do not test, or even try to fight it... it will only bring you in deeper. Believe me I know.

caryl said...

Shoot, Kenzie, the link didn't work!

jan.noel said...


What a lot of work but oh my God, it was worth it! I'm sure I'll still be smiling tomorrow (and possibly laughing as well). Thanks so much for sharing your special gift of writing with us all.

(how in hell did you do all that stuff to his pics?)

You go girl!

Kenzie said...

crap.. it was a picture of someone in a straight jacket, lol

caryl said...

oh, too bad, K! Very appropriate.

Jan, I have no idea what you're talking about. Do what to his pics? ;)

Since my newspaper dropped me, I have all this creative energy and it has to go somewhere! Glad you enjoyed it!

Jennifer said...

Caryl, that was freakin' awesome.

There was a gray-haired, yet young, groomsman at a wedding I went to this past weekend. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. Must be some sort of run-off effect!

The tour isn't completely over! He saved my hometown for last. I'll be sure to bring my protective eyegear to the show on the 29th, but I may be a lost cause, having locked eyes with him in close proximity once already.

caryl said...

I enjoyed reading that story, Jen! You said alot of things I've said after meeting him. And your eyes DO look a little crazy-that's because you looked him in the eye! Make sure you take that eye wear you talked about to the Big E, or you'll really be a goner.

Chicken & Waffles said...

We are not worthy!!


jane said...

I really think you're onto something here. Wish I would've known about this before the eye contact I made.
I already knew I was a goner, at least I have the scientific explanation now.

Elizabeth said...

That was TOO FUNNY!!

But oh so true!

You have a wonderful gift of writing, Caryl.

Thanks, that was fun.

Whomp Down Memory Lane presented by Taylor's Angels said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KimLoree said... name is KimLoree and I have been assimilated.

However...I would like to file a complaint about your poll. How the heck is a West Coast addict supposed to make a good showing for the number of concerts attended when he doesn't frigging come here? I think you should ask how many concerts we would attend if able. Of course, then you would only need one category (All).

Luv2 said...

Funny... BUTT you are BEHIND times he is NOW using that wiggle, pee wee herman dance, dirty dog, find his groove... AS if the eyes and all the rest couldn't reel you in.. I swear we need stronger laws, and maybe the CDC, FDA, CIA, FBI, KGB, Powerpuff Girls, Green Beret's... Something, we need something...

This was hilarious, loved the *worship me* on the eyes... And the scientist giving up a promising career to pretend to be a journalist to do this.

Going back to watch the "moneymaker" video and wipe the drool off my chin. Very cute, funny and oh so true.

bluescomesouttoplay said...

too funny.....except it's too true!
good stuff!!!!

Soul Reporter said...

To coin a David Letterman-ism: I've been HIP MO TIZED! I too am under the deadly spell. Hey, anybody got a spare CD!

krusty said...

This is absolutely hysterical!!!

AH said...

as someone who has always had a weakness for great eyes it was so nice to find out there is a scientific reason for it - - - -

t'is brilliant ! ! ! ! so glad I stumbled over your site :)

Sunny said...

Thanks so much for the device to attach to our heads for safely viewing Hicks in person. I will certainly take it under advisement. If 3-D glasses help, I still have the ones that I got with my kid when we saw "Shark Boy and Lava Girl". Think they'll help? Your advice greatly appreciated.

Brilliant, chica.

Anonymous said...

OH that is too funny! I can vouch for this being true though, seems I can talk to him each time but once he looks at me, I freeze!!!! I felt like an idiot at the booksigning cause I just stoood there smiling and couldn't move! Damn those eye rays!!!!

caryl said...

Valerie, which book signing did you go to? I was at the NYC one.

Anonymous said...

I was at the NYC one too!!!!! July 17th 1007 I think. Right?