Taylor Hicks Revealed

Investigative Reporting: The "Fan-Addict"

Since Taylor Hicks fans are so unlike other fans I've encountered, I felt it necessary to coin a new word to describe them. Many have taken on his career as their own personal crusade and check online daily for any news about him. The word I came up with is "Fan-Addict".

But why the obsession? What is it about Taylor Hicks that has created an almost cult-like following?

I decided to organize an investigation into the phenomenon. I was able to assemble a crack team of scientists at my local university to conduct research.

These highly competent professors studied hours of video, using sophisticated equipment to record the viewer's reaction to a Taylor Hicks performance.

The results revealed an unusually strong reaction from women (and a few sexually confused men). Our research then turned to Taylor himself. Voice recordings were analyzed and photos scrutinized.

Unfortunately, during the course of testing, we lost two of our female scientists who succumbed to Hicks' charms.

One of them, who had a very promising career ahead in neuroscience, simply walked away and was last seen outside a theater in Orange Beach posing as a morning news woman in hopes of gaining access to Hicks for a phony interview. Apparently, she heard this tactic had been effective for someone else.

Back in the lab, the focus of our investigation quickly turned to Hicks' eyes. Something was different about them:

When the results of our research were compiled, it was shocking: "The team reported the first known case of electroluminescence from an all-organic, nanocrystal based source where semiconductor nanocrystals are concentrated and -when combined with certain levels of estrogen within the recipient's body-causes an almost spiritual loyalty."

Or in layman terms: Hicks harnesses excess amounts of energy in his eyes and then shots it out in hypnotic waves. If anyone looks directly into his eyes-even on TV- they become helpless disciples. The process takes such a toll on Hicks' metabolism that over time it turned his hair prematurely gray.

A close-up of the eyeball:

Interestingly, these waves seem to have little effect on men:

We were able to re-create the sequence of events captured at various concerts:

Taylor takes a moment to "power-up" his eyes:

Finally, their energy is unleashed on unsuspecting fans:



The result:

One video recording actually caught Hicks yelling, "They're in my clutches!!", followed by a maniacal laugh:

If you're planning to see his show anytime soon, I'd like to offer some advice:

1. Never look directly at Taylor Hicks with the naked eye. For your safety, it is advised that you construct the following device:

A. Poke a small hole in the center of one end of a cardboard box.
B. Cut a viewing hole in the side of the box.
E. Put a piece of white paper inside the end of the box near the viewing hole.
F. Point the end of the box with the pinhole at Taylor Hicks.
G. View his projected image on the white piece of paper.


2. For the love of all that is holy, NEVER ever look him in the eye, even if you're watching him on TV. Studies have confirmed that once under his spell, his victims have been known to buy multiple CDs and concert tickets. When asked by loved ones why they exhibit such behavior, they simply reply, "I don't know why! I just HAVE to! Here, have a CD! Wooo!!!"

3. At the very least, wear protective eye wear while attending one of his shows.

Though Taylor's most recent tour has come to an end, perhaps we'll be more prepared in the future when he hits the road again. Please, enjoy responsibly: