Saturday, October 20, 2007

Last night I slept in Jake's empty bed. Nah, I haven't gone completely bonkers. I got into bed with my husband and in the dark and the quiet, I started thinking about Jake alone somewhere in a hotel with all of his possessions packed in the car outside. I started crying again and decided to sleep somewhere else so as not to wake the hubby.

Yesterday I gave Jake's room a good cleaning. It actually looked kind of inviting with all the furniture gleaming and the carpet freshly vacuumed. When I got into his bed I looked around and thought about all the horrible things he lived through within those walls: the terrible stomach pain that kept him up at night, the mornings I literally dragged him out of bed to get him to go to school, the screaming fights over doctor visits. The three months when he only left his room to eat and use the bathroom.

He's had a rough life. Severe allergies, asthma, ADHD, IBS and depression. And as hard as I tried, I could't help him. He has the same struggles today he had six years ago. We've taken him to every specialist you can name, including a pain management specialist and a therapist. A couple of years ago Jake shut down and refused to see any more doctors. He stopped telling me when something was wrong.

And this is why I've been so upset. I didn't help him. I didn't make it all better. I feel as though I sent him off with a bleeding cut and no chance of finding a bandaide.

6 comments:

tif said...

Oh my goodness, Caryl. You did not fail your son. Funny, My daughter has severe allergies.. she is on meds all year long, ADD and Asthma. She had heart surgery at 16 months. I can tell you that we can't cure them, but we give them everything in our power to make their conditions managable. It is hard as a parent to see our kids suffer.. we feel so helpless. But I do believe in a higher power that has the answers for our questions. You gave your son love which enabled him to open up his wings and embrace the world. He now is ready to go find the man he is meant to be. You should be so proud, Caryl. ((HUGS))

caryl said...

Thanks, tif. That makes me feel a little bit better. :)

Chicken & Waffles said...

Caryl: The finest gift you can give your son is his independence. It will be hard for him, there is no doubt, but I do know the love and nurturing you have given him his entire life will provide him the stregnth to find himself. I know this is a very difficult time for you, my dear. But recognize that you have been a superlative mother. You're a kind, warm soul and undoubtedly your son has thrived thanks to your loving care. You've done all the right things; rest easy, if you can, knowing that you've given him the tools he needs to get on with his life. Tif is absolutely right on; you should be proud of the foundation you've laid for him. He will find himself. Rest easy, dear friend.

caryl said...

Thanks, you guys. I'm doing better.

jan.noel said...

Hi Caryl,

I just wanted to let you know that I haven't been around because my brother-in-law who lived with us passed away unexpectedly last Friday night. It was sudden - I was with him when he spoke his last words before the ambulance took him away. He died enroute - they brought him back- he died at 8am Saturday morning. I cannot tell you the hell I've been through. Let the others know why I've been missing. I'll be around again soon as right now I'm grounded by my Doctor until this coming Monday. This has been the most 'bastardly' year of my life.

Catch you soon - Jan

jan.noel said...

Hi Caryl,

I just wanted to let you know that I haven't been around because my brother-in-law who lived with us passed away unexpectedly last Friday night. It was sudden - I was with him when he spoke his last words before the ambulance took him away. He died enroute - they brought him back- he died at 8am Saturday morning. I cannot tell you the hell I've been through. Let the others know why I've been missing. I'll be around again soon as right now I'm grounded by my Doctor until this coming Monday. This has been the most 'bastardly' year of my life.

Catch you soon - Jan