Thursday, May 8, 2008

First Love

Things haven't been easy at my house lately. Images haunt my son of being trapped in his car after the accident, holding his friend's bloody head up and telling him help was on the way. As you can imagine, his sleep doesn't come easy and he rarely feels good about anything. I'm on call 24/7, often awakened by my son and his fears.

I'm doing OK, surprisingly. It's true that you'll do anything for your kids, so staying calm while he sometimes rages, and thinking of the right words to say at any hour of the day or night is, I suppose, my version of that story you always hear of a Mom full of adrenaline, lifting a car off her child.

Still-I break down at the oddest of moments when I'm alone. When I turned the key in my car tonight, the radio blared a song from my youth. Unexpectedly, I burst into tears. I can't put my finger on why the song triggered a crying jag. Maybe it reminded me of an easier time when my biggest worry was what to wear to school.

Or maybe it was the fact that this song was played for me by a boy who eventually broke my heart. I'm happily married, and so is he. It's not about that.

The song stirred up feelings of love experienced for the first time in my life: The first time I caught a boy watching me from across a room. That first case of butterflies, being scared and happy at once, meeting this golden boy and learning that he thought I was the special one.

This song reminds me of romance and the first time a boy said he loved me. It's sweet and it's sad, because when we broke up I lost one of my best friends. I still miss him sometimes.


Lubiana said...

Sweet song. One of my favorites growing up. I know how you feel. Sometimes I miss the man I first fell in love with too.

Hang in there with your son, this too shall eventually pass.

God bless!

Anonymous said...

On this upcoming Mother's Day, what better time to remember all those times our mother's told us: "someday you'll have kids and you'll know...."

Like I keep telling my mom - "I never ever put you through anything like my kids put me through...."


Once a mom - always a mom. The worry never ends.

lois meyer said...

When I was about 15 I was in a school play with the handsomest boy in the 10th grade and we had to kiss! I had a crush on him along with every other sophomore girl but all that happened was that stage kiss - darn! But then I met your Dad and the rest, as they say, is history. Very sweet history.

You are doing an incredible job with Jake and Jamie - I never had to go through anything like this with any of you four girls. Hang on, it has to get better.

You and Greg have 24 years together already - seems like yesterday when you put on the wedding gown that I had worn (altered to fit your slim size) and became a wife. When Jake was born, Dad and I were on our way to your house in Louisiana from New York. After making the phone call from a truck stop to find out that you had a son, the first person I told was a truck driver who was concerned about my tear stained face! But they were tears of joy. This is getting too long - love you, sweetie, Happy Mother's Day!

Caryl's Mom

Chicken & Waffles said...

OK, I have to say, Caryl's Mom rocks. She has such loving and practical wisdom. She is the mom I want in my next life. Shout out to Lois!!

And Caryl, my darling friend, hang in there. I know it is tough with Jake and you are so vulnerable. But you will be OK. You're a strong and wonderful woman.

Nice memory by the way. Reading this lovely post, I had a prom flashback myself. Or two.

I miss the man I first fell in love with too. But I quickly made up for lost time. I delighted in my wasted youth.

Wendy said...

Caryl -If I remember correctly that gentleman's name in the photos was john ...? I remember you talking about him (a lot) when we were younger -not sure if I ever met him though...

I pray that your son's nightmares will ease with time - Your memory was drawn to a simpler ,happier time of innocence (through Jim Croce) to help you take a breather of the reality of your life now. Interesting how our mind works -it helped you to release some of your sorrow for your son.Music and scent are powerful memory inducers-it's amazing to me how you can go right back to where you were and with through something as simple as music or fragrance.

Take care and Be kind to yourself. I know Jake needs his Mom -but you know the first rule of survival is to administer the breathing apparatus to yourself before your child. Stay strong -
Write if you get the chance -
Happy Mother's Day -Wendy

caryl said...

OK, Mom, you didn't need to make it clear that I've moved on and married someone else!! Sheez. It's OK to remember an old boyfriend with fondness- especially when you haven't seen him in...what? 10 years!

Wendy- WOW, you have a good memory, but then again as all of our old friends will say-I talked about him A LOT.

Relax, everybody. We all know I'm in love with someone else now. And that gorgeous hunk of a man is Taylor Hicks. hahahahahaha! (ain't she a card?) Taylor, call me!

Anonymous said...

Caryl's mom rocks and so do her many friends that give her so much support. Hang in there old friend and know you are in my thoughts and prayers! Your NE buddy!

Anonymous said...

Drat- all these years I thought I was your first love ! I knew you first ! Oh, okay - I knew John was your first love. He was mine too. I saw him in the shower. What a man.

Happy Mother's Day. This is my first year without my Mom. The memories I have are those of her loving tender care when i was at my lowest. It's easy to be a good Mom when everything is roses but it's when our children need us the most, when they are hurting, that they remeber and see what a Mother's love is really all about.

caryl said...

Dan- I was fifeteen when John and I dated. Very innocent. So..I'm gonna need details.

caryl said...

I spelled fifteen wrong and it won't let me correct it! (I got all flustered.)